Have you ever looked yourself up on the internet? I decided to try it and see what would happen when I typed my name into that all-knowing, all-seeing little rectangle of knowledge. First I tried my maiden name. Oh my! Pages and pages of images and information and none of them were about me! There’s a young woman, a dancer in fact, who had many entries. She’s even from my home town. Now anyone who knows me will not for a second believe that those little blurbs are about me. I’m about as far from a dancer as round is from a triangle. In case there’s any doubt, click on the picture of the lithe ballerina figure. Nope, that’s not me. Hmmm.
Then I tried my married name. Surely there’d be something about me. After all, I’ve been working for more years than I care to think about and until a few months ago, I was also the vice-president of a credit union. I’ve volunteered on many civic and church committees, I’ve sat on boards of local charities. Not to brag, but a lot of people know me and I’d like to think I’m a respected member of our community. Wow, there were over seven million results! Finally! After spending a lot of time searching through them and looking at the images I turned off my pc. I didn’t find one reference to me under that name either.
What does this mean? Am I a nobody? Have I made no contribution to society? Am I not note-worthy? Have I made a difference in this world? Do I need to rethink my life and the path I’m on? What have I made of myself?
But wait a minute. Aren’t I exactly where I’m supposed to be? All of my choices until this point have allowed me to do and be what I want and now, to paraphrase Popeye, I am what I am.
I got married in my mid-thirties after having fun traveling, buying new cars, and partying. I was smart enough to avoid any situations that would have resulted with a photo of me holding a placard with my pertinent info and showing up in the aforementioned search.
But have I made a difference in this world? I’m the only one of my siblings who stayed here rather than seek my future elsewhere. I never wanted to be far from my parents, my safety net. A long time ago I made a promise to myself and to them that I would always be here for them. Fortunately for Daddy, he died quickly and long-term care was never an issue for him. Mom was not so lucky and was diagnosed with cancer years later. I was here to care for her when she needed me the most. All she wanted was to be able to die at home. My being here made it easy for her to have her last wish. When her angels came for her, they knew right where to find her. I may not have made a difference to the world but so long as I made a difference for my mother, then I’m good.
Now it’s just me and the hubs. Being a good wife and friend doesn’t bring awards. Being a good daughter doesn’t get your name in the papers. Am I a nobody? Am I not note-worthy? Maybe not to some but to the people who matter most to me, I’m somebody.
I am blessed with a husband who demonstrates his love for me daily. His actions shout louder than words ever could and are tenderer than any whisperings of love.
I think this path I’m on is right one. I feel pretty certain it’s the one God has chosen for me and I feel blessed.